Dillykins Has a Morbid Fear of Rabbits
by Carlie Moppie
Summary: Warning: This is my first fic, incredibly stupid song inside, gruesome ending. This is definately for Dillyhumorficlovers. Rated high for language. Please R&R, be nice.Edit: New chapters! More hilarity ensues!
1. AAAAAHH!

Dilandau has a morbid fear of rabbits  
Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, please don't sue me. I swear that I'm not getting paid. And I got the idea for stupid song I have in here from my friend from a Buffy special. I only own my pitiful writing, since this is my first fic.   
Chapter 1  
Dilandau walked casually about the floating fortress looking for something to do. He usually checked up on his dragonslayers asking if they needed help with training or something but today they weren't training… they gathered around Chesta's bunk.  
  
'That's odd,' Dilandau thought. 'I thought I told them not to have their lazy butts in bed today. What could be so interesting that they would risk being punished?'  
  
Gatti turned around and saw the confused Dilandau then he turned white. "uh oh. Uuhhh… Guys." He said when he turned to the others.  
  
"What is going on here!" Dilandau yelled at his dragon slayers, "What the hell could you lazy maggots be….. Ahhhh!" Dilandau gasped when there, right in the middle of the group was a bunny.  
  
"Uhhhh… Dilandau-sama, it isn't what you thi-"   
  
"Oh my god, it's a b-b-b-bunny!" Dilandau yelled interrupting Chesta. Dilandau ran behind a bed and started screaming his head off, "Noooo!! Help me! Get the fucking asshole rabbit away from me! Where is my flamethrower, Migel, you idiot! I need my fuckin' flamethrower!" Dilandau then looked at the bunny accusingly, like it had just saved Van's life or something, and said, "You will die. Burrnnnn! Buurrrnnnn!! Buuurrrnnnnnn!!!" Then he started to laugh maniacally.  
  
"Damn, Dilandau-sama, don't you think you're overacting? It's just a poor defenseless bunny," said Gimel with a smirk starting to appear on his face.  
  
"Shut up, you will be punished," Dilandau started to sort of whimper, "I don't like bunnies."   
  
"Oooohhh. Dilandau is afraid of Mr. Bunny-kins," Chesta started out and started walking over to Dilandau with the bunny in his arms, "Would you like to see the bunny I got for my birthday, Dilandau-sama?" Chesta said –Sama tauntingly.  
  
"Ahhhh!!!" screamed Dilandau and tried to slap away the bunny but Chesta pulled it away before he could hit the poor bunny.  
  
Suddenly all the dragonslayers burst out with laughter. And started to take advantage of Dilandau's state, which was him looking at the bunny like it was dangerous and it would try to attack him at any time, by taunting and teasing him saying things like, "Dilly-boy is afraid of a cu-u-te bunny! Ha!" and, "I knew he had to be afraid of something… but a bunny… HA HA HA!!"  
  
"I will get you all for this someday," said Dilandau still glaring at the bunny.  
  
Gatti took a second to stop laughing and ask a question, "Uhhh… Dilandau-sama why are you afraid of Bunnies?"  
  
Dilandau turned his glare to Gatti and said annoyed, "I don't know. Why don't you tell me!"  
  
Then unexpectantly Folken came in and told Dilandau to calm down and to get off of the floor. The Dragonslayers quickly stood up in a straight line with their backs straight. "What is going on here, Dilandau?"  
  
Dilandau looked extremely mad and said, "It's the damn bunny, tell me why I am afraid of it Folken!"  
  
Folken cast his eyes down as if he were thinking, "It could be that your past life, Cerena, was scared of bunnies…" That earned a couple of snickers from the dragonslayers.  
  
"What," hounded Dilandau, "Cerena has nothing to do with this, in fact, there is no Cerena! So why don't you just shut up!"  
  
Folken narrowed his eyes in an understanding way, "Dilandau, you just have to face the truth and reality because Cerena is real, so get over it."  
  
Dilandau just gritted his teeth and clenched his fists then 'grrrr'ed.  
  
"Although, Dilandau, you're in luck. I have the perfect spell to get rid of rabittophobia, but it has to be sung. I'll just summon the sorcerers right away." Folken closed his eyes for a second then said the sorcerers are on their way.  
  
Dilandau grrred again then said, "What's happening, what is this, rabittophobia, a spell that has to be sung, what!?"  
  
The sorcerers entered the room swiftly then got in a straight line behind Folken.  
  
"Ready guys?" asked Folken.  
They nodded their heads then Folken yelled out, "1,2,3,4!"  
  
Then the sorcerers sang in chorus, "It Must Be Bunnies!"  
  
Then Folken, "With their twitchy little noses, and their fuzzy little tails."  
  
"It Must Be Bunnies!"  
  
"With their pointy, long ears, and their floppy biggish feet."  
  
"It Must Be Bunnies!"  
  
"With Those biggish bunny teeth, and the carrots that they eat."  
  
"It Must Be Bunnies!"  
  
"I am not afraid of them, neither are you!"  
  
"I Guess It Can't Be Bunnies!"  
  
Then the sorcerers bowed their heads and stepped back into the shadows, then quickly left.  
  
Folken cleared his throat and brought the bunny to Dilandau and asked, "How do you feel around the bunny, Dilandau." You could almost swear Folken was curving his lips up in a smile.  
  
"I… I don't feel anything," confessed Dilandau. Then he grinned evilly and turned to his dragonslayers then laughed maniacally. "I warned you. You all will be punished."  
  
You could hear them all gulp and start to sweat with looks on their faces like they were going to die.  
  
Once again, Dilandau laughed crazily then put a finger to his chin, "Let's see… What would be the perfect punishment for you all…" I didn't seem possible but Dilandau's evil grin grew bigger, and so did the scared look on the dragonslayers.  
  
Folken decided that it was his time to leave, "Very well then, I'll see you all later… or, maybe… I'll see you later Dilandau." Folken swiftly left the dragonslayers to their doom… er… punishment.  
  
Dilandau quickly jerked his evil eyes at the bunny and got an idea. Yeah… That would be perfect. He went to his quarters and fetched his flamethrower and went back to the dragonslayers quarters then snatched the bunny up. Walking out the door he signaled his dragonslayers to follow, he went outside then behind a big, fat tree.  
  
~_~_~_~_~  
Well anyway the dragonslayers followed and you could hear a sword unsheathe and… well, you know. Have you ever heard a bunny scream before? I guess it would sound horrible. (AN: I'm an idiot. 0.o I'm also not going into the detail how the bunny go tortured to death by Dilandau. *Gag* Ew.) Anyway, you could hear the dragonslayers saying things like, "That's just sick, I think I'm gonna puke!" and, "Disgusting, what's that smell!" and of course from Dilandau, "Die! Burn! You will die!!! I hope you all learn to respect your commander from this, you lazy bastards!"  
  
In the distance, back in the fortress, Folken could hear a scream. It was from… Chesta!? He screamed in anguish like a loved one died then yelled out, "Noooooo!!!! Mr. Bunny-kins!!!" 'How embarrassing,' thought Folken.  
The end  
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AN: do you think I should do a side story on how Cerena is afraid of bunnies, it will be short, but it will be a story. You'll just have to review and tell me.^_^ Don't be too hard on me, this is my first fic. And please don't tell me how bad it is cuz I already know.-_- Sorry, in this fic the characters are a little OOC. Ok then, please R&R but be nice, bye! 


	2. Nomal Day? NO, Never!

Dillykins Has a Morbid Fear of Rabbits Ch.2  
  
  
  
AN: Whoa! I have a 2nd chapter on this! Wow, I didn't think I would make one, but look at me here tryping.0.0 OK then, on with the story…  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with Escaflowne in any way, except for this story that I have written. (which is not much, waaah!)  
  
  
  
  
  
Ch. 2, Normal day? No, never!  
  
  
  
  
  
After the bunny *ahem* business, all the slayers sit in their dormitories, looking zoned out and horrified. Poor Chesta was worse, still with that look on his face, there was sadness and tears rolling down his cheeks, onto Mr. Bunny-kins favorite toy. He kept repeating the words, "Mr. Bunny-kins, no, no, no, Mr. Bunny-kins, why…", slowly.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Dilandau is in a pretty cheerful mood and is polishing his flamethrower, and seeing if the lighter fluid was full. He laid down the polishing cloth and laid down on his bed. As he was looking up into the ceiling, he couldn't help but ponder why he was afraid of a dumb rabbit, I mean, they were soo cute and cuddly… *his face turned grim as his eyes were hazy because he had his mind on something else* or a least they used to be…  
  
  
  
Dilandau's mind was engulfed in darkness till he saw a little blonde-haired girl. Standing beside the girl was a taller blonde-haired boy, Dilandau guessed that was her brother. 'Where have I seen her before', thought Dilandau, 'She looks so familiar… wait… oh no its-'   
  
  
  
"Celena," said the boy, "Mother told you to not come out here" his face was stern.  
  
  
  
With her best puppy dog face, she said, "I know, ani-san (brother), but I saw a bunny and I wanted to get closer to it. Please, ani-san, I really want to see it!"  
  
  
  
The boy put his hands on his hips looking uncertain, then slowly let down his hands and answered, still a little uncertain, "Ok… I'll just go and tell mom that you are playing in the garden."  
  
  
  
The little girl started looking around for the rabbit till she saw big bunny foot prints. She followed the path till she finally found what she was looking for…  
  
Celena then backed away a soon as she saw the rabbit, it had gruesomly, humongous fangs and giant, sharp claws that were at least 5 inches long.  
  
The bunny started to hop towards Celena with fire burning inside his eyes as he glared into Celena's widening eyes in fear. She started to get more scared by the milisecond and started to sweat. The whole time she forgot to breathe so she fainted when the bunny was 3 feet away from her. (AN: Now would you blame her for being afraid of bunny rabbits!)  
  
Then, out of thin air, the bunny dissapeared. The sorcerers came out of their hiding places in the bushes and picked up Celena. They carried Celena to a carriage, which had no horses, flew up into the air to the empire of Zaibach.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Dilandau was in his room, red faced from screaming, was thinking, 'It was them the whole time! They were the ones that did this to me! Those f***** sorcerers were the ones in the first place that had made me afraid the rabbits! I can't believe it!!! Damn, I really wish i was not Celena in the first place *shudders*. I don't think I should trust Zaibach for doing this to me, I will-'  
  
Finally Dilandau noticed the knocking on his door, "Dilandau-sama, let us in! We heard you screaming! Is something wrong?"  
  
Dilandau quickly went to the bathroom to put cold water on his face. In the door to the right in his room was the bathroom, so he stepped in and splashed the cool water on his face, then look into mirror...  
  
"Oh.... My.... GOD!!!!!!!!" Dilandau was Celena again, he could not let his dragonslayers see him like this, but how come his brain was still in the body? He/she guessed the vision that he had made himself turn into Celena, but he didn't know he still could have his same thoughts, his own brain.  
  
Oh well, he let it pass his mind. All that mattered to Dilandau and Celena was that he/she needed an alibi as to why he/she was screaming and why he/she needed to stay in the bedroom. So (AN: I'm just gonna call Dilandau/Celena "she" and when I say the names, I'm gonna say "Dilandau", ok, get it? Oh well, back to the story!) she walked to the door and put her ear to the door, just to make sure when the right time to say something was.  
  
Muigel and Chesta were talking among themselves, "Maybe it is just that Dilandau can scream like a girl?" requested Muigel.  
  
"I don't know, but whatever it is, I hope Dilandau-sama is ok." said Chesta looking worried.  
  
'Hey, cool, I think Chesta is over his bunny and is now paying attention to me.' Thought Dilandau with her eyes all watery and smiling, 'oh no, Celena's feelings are starting to overcome me, NO, must... not.... like Chesta... in that... way!' Now Dilandau can hear steps coming from down the hall.  
  
"What is going on here?" demanded a harsh voice that belonged to one of the generals.  
  
"W-w-well, D-dilandau-sama was sc-screaming in his room so M-miguel and I w-went to see if he was alright." stuttered out Chesta.  
  
"It is strange though, at first it sounded like Dilandau was screaming, then it sounded like a girl was screaming."  
  
0.o"Ok... Why don't you just let me try and get his attention." He knocked on the door loudly, "Dilandau! Open up right now or I shall break this door down, do you understand me!"  
  
Now Dilandau had to think of something really quick. 'Uhhhhhhhmmmm, c'mon, I gotta think quick. Oh damn.' Then suddenly a bright idea popped into his/her head and she smiled slyly.  
  
Trying to speak in a low voice she said to the general and his dragonslayers outside of the door, "Well, *ahem*, I'm very sorry if you heard my tv from where you came, but I'm very sorry. Now could you please go away and leave me alone I am very tired and would like to sleep." Dilandau tried to speak very fast to confuse all of them, and of course they have never heard about a tv before. The only reason Dilandau knows is because of when that stupid Hitomi girl was telling the stupidest idiot in the world, Van, a story about how she had a tv up too loud and people were screaming on it, so everyone thought she was in trouble.  
  
With the two dragonslayers and the general very confused Muigel asked, "But Dilandau, did those screams come from?"  
  
"I told you already, I had the tv up too loud and people were screaming on it, SO JUST LAY OFF IT NOW!!!"  
  
As confused as ever the three people that stood in front of Dilandau's door left, all equal for this moment, because all of them did not know what the hell he was talking about!  
  
Dilandau wiped her hand on her forehead, "I'm so glad that that's over!" said Dilandau in a fairly high voice. "Awwwhhh Damnit! I'm still Celena and I don't know what to do." She thought for a moment, "but I'm not totally Celena, I can still think like me, but I'm in Celena's body, how weird."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
AN: sorry if the info is wrong or the characters are ooc and that the story isn't so humorous anymore but a little serious, it is just that i have a plot for this story now, sort of. Sorry for the short chapter, I just couldn't think of what comes next. Should I continue? R&R and tell me, if you want to give me some ideas, I would really appreciate it, 'cause I'm pretty much stuck. Ok then, see ya. 


	3. WHAT?

Dilandau Has A Morbid Fear Of Rabbits Ch 3 

Author's Note: Sorry after so long I decided I would continue the story because I like it myself a lot. :) For the rest of the story, I will call Dilandau Celena for he is in her adult body. Celena is still really Dilandau, I just needed to tell you to eliminate any confusion. Thanks.

Disclaimer: I do not own Escaflowne. I am sorry.

Chapter 3, WHAT?

"What do I do, what do I do, what do I do, WHAT DO I DO?" Celena paced around her dorm frantically searching for an answer. She had already taken off the heavy armor Dilandau had been wearing because it hurt her breasts. All she had on was a thin tank top that didn't cover her well and pacing wasn't helping.

"FOLKEN!" She yelled with epiphany. Suddenly Folken appeared in her room like magic. Folken was weird like that. Imediately Celena yelped and ran into the bathroom to not reveal her bossom or the fact that he had turned into a girl!

Oh wait! He's too closely related to the sorcerors isn't he, she thought, agh! Shit, he came just when I called him, that never happened before! That little bitch, when I get my hands on him!

She made a strangling gesture, but when she saw how feminine her hands were, she nearly threw up. "BLEEECCHH."

"Dilandau? Is that you?"

Celena began to sweat a bucket-load. Think, think! With another sudden epiphany, she began to moan in a low, loud voice. If I pretend to jack off, she thought, he'll feel so uncomfortable and then definitely leave me alone!

Outside of the bathroom, Dilandau heard snorting and held back laughter. Could it be... Folken? What the hell!

The moaning became louder, but then, so did the laughter.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Celena slammed open the door and got in Folken's face.

Folken just couldn't stop, tears even began to escape his eyes. "Oh, Celena, Fancy seeing you here in Dilandau's bedroom. So... Where is he?" A new explosion of laughter came.

Celena stood wide eyed in front of the man. "What the hell is your problem?"

Folken finally straightened up and suddenly became very solemn. "Okay, Dilandau, I know of your dilemma. This is what happened. Celena has come back because she wants to fulfill her dreams that the sorcerers stole away from her."

"What?" Celena took a step back and raised her eyebrow. "You're shittin' me."

"That's right. You have to get married and own a bunny farm."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Celena jumped all the way to her bed and began to hug her pillow while laying in the fertile position.

Folken began to snort again but quickly straightened up. "If you want to get this done quick, I know someone who'd probly marry you in a heart beat. Want to know who?"

"I DON'T Want to get married!" yelled Celena.

"When a person loses something close to their heart, they try to fill up that emptiness with something new. Do you know someone who recently lost something?"

"Goddamnit, Folken, I don't want to get married! Fix this, fix this now! I know you can, you little shit!"

"The ONLY way to fix it, Dilandau -" Folken looked her up and down, "Or should I say, Celena. Is to fulfill your former self's dreams which happen to be to marry someone and start a bunny farm and if you can't do that then I guess you'll never be Dilandau again!"

Celena unconsciously covered her breasts with her arms when Folken looked at her, and when she realized what she was doing she got mad and tried to punch them. "AAAACK!" It hurt a lot. What a dumb mistake. It quickly angered her even more. Nothing is worse than this vile body, she thought, I guess I... I guess I... I guess I... I guess... I guess Iiiiiiii... I guess I.  
"FUCK IT! Who do I marry Folken and I swear if this is the only wear I'll rip your bloody guts out!"

Folken returned the threat with a smile, "Chesta. He's your first step. Win his heart, which should be damn easy, and you'll be half there. Sound easy?"

"Yea, I guess..." said Celena, looking so angry and massaging her breast from punching it earlier. "So how do I go at it?"

"That's not for me to decide." Folken shrugged, "I'm already too involved as it is." He evaporated away.

"Fuck you! You WANT to be involved, you dick!" Celena yelled at him even though he left. Although she could've sworn she heard laughter in the distance.

For a second her mind was blank. What just happened? ...

OOOOOOOOHHH FUCK! I HAVE TO SEDUCE CHESTA?

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Till next time, guys! I already have a bit of the next chapter written. And forgive me if this is short, I did it on impulse and I didn't have much time before I went to sleep. Please review if you think I should continue, thanks:)


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